Triumph and Grief

It wouldn't be a real blog, or at least a real chronicle of my life if I didn't share the heartbreak as well as the triumphs.  So here goes.

I auditioned for a show the other day, and I got a callback!  It was awesome.  Then yesterday, I completely fell apart at the callback (I'm exaggerating- but I sang too operatically, I didn't connect to the character I was playing, etc.).  Needless to say, I didn't get the part (not even an understudy).  I'm not sure yet what this experience has taught me.  I kind of want to just give up on acting altogether.  And that may not be a bad thing, for now.

Maybe part of being a self-nurturing artist is knowing when to cut your losses and go home.  Maybe I'm giving up too easily.  l don't really know where to go from here.  I gave so much of myself for that audition, and I feel so empty now.  It's the same way I feel after I play a show and no one tells me I did a good job, except with shows I've received enough positive feedback and I am confident enough in myself that I just go out and book another show (although that's not entirely true- Boston was a real setback for me, and I haven't booked any shows since because of my experiences there- even though I got some positive feedback).

My boyfriend tells me I should do my own thing.  But isn't that too easy?  Isn't that taking the easy way out? If I do something that comes easily and naturally, I feel like I'm cheating.  And besides, I'm so afraid of being labeled a singer-songwriter.  It makes me feel as though I'm a jack of all trades and master of none.

I want so much to be great at SOMETHING.  Something I value.  Today I feel as though I'm not great at anything, I'm just mediocre and probably less than that.  So what do I do now?  What is the most self-nurturing thing to do?

Well, I played piano and wrote a little song... that was nice.  I have been presented with the opportunity to take piano lessons with a friend who is currently studying Chopin and Rachmaninoff.  Maybe that's where I should go next.  I think I still want to act, eventually, but I don't have any idea how I can do it without the trials of auditioning.  And right now, I don't know how to process a bad audition.  I guess I'll leave it alone for now.

I actually feel a little better now.  Still very much daunted, but at least I'm trying my best to take care of my unbelievably sensitive artist's soul.