Triumph and Grief

It wouldn't be a real blog, or at least a real chronicle of my life if I didn't share the heartbreak as well as the triumphs.  So here goes.

I auditioned for a show the other day, and I got a callback!  It was awesome.  Then yesterday, I completely fell apart at the callback (I'm exaggerating- but I sang too operatically, I didn't connect to the character I was playing, etc.).  Needless to say, I didn't get the part (not even an understudy).  I'm not sure yet what this experience has taught me.  I kind of want to just give up on acting altogether.  And that may not be a bad thing, for now.

Maybe part of being a self-nurturing artist is knowing when to cut your losses and go home.  Maybe I'm giving up too easily.  l don't really know where to go from here.  I gave so much of myself for that audition, and I feel so empty now.  It's the same way I feel after I play a show and no one tells me I did a good job, except with shows I've received enough positive feedback and I am confident enough in myself that I just go out and book another show (although that's not entirely true- Boston was a real setback for me, and I haven't booked any shows since because of my experiences there- even though I got some positive feedback).

My boyfriend tells me I should do my own thing.  But isn't that too easy?  Isn't that taking the easy way out? If I do something that comes easily and naturally, I feel like I'm cheating.  And besides, I'm so afraid of being labeled a singer-songwriter.  It makes me feel as though I'm a jack of all trades and master of none.

I want so much to be great at SOMETHING.  Something I value.  Today I feel as though I'm not great at anything, I'm just mediocre and probably less than that.  So what do I do now?  What is the most self-nurturing thing to do?

Well, I played piano and wrote a little song... that was nice.  I have been presented with the opportunity to take piano lessons with a friend who is currently studying Chopin and Rachmaninoff.  Maybe that's where I should go next.  I think I still want to act, eventually, but I don't have any idea how I can do it without the trials of auditioning.  And right now, I don't know how to process a bad audition.  I guess I'll leave it alone for now.

I actually feel a little better now.  Still very much daunted, but at least I'm trying my best to take care of my unbelievably sensitive artist's soul.

Beyond the Critcism, then Beyond the Accolades

Wow- it  has been a long time since I've last written a post.

There are two reasons for this:
1. I haven't had much to say.
2. When I have had something to say, I have been fearful of judgement.

I feel lost and directionless most of the time, except recently.  As of late, I have been finding a more sure footing and I feel grounded.  Grounded while allowing myself to keep my head in the clouds. :-)

Still, though, I've been judging myself, and far too harshly.  I haven't allowed myself to release any new recordings because they're not 'good enough'.  I haven't written any new blog posts because I'm afraid of negative response, or worse, no response at all.  I haven't been playing any new shows because of the same things.  And one different thing.

I haven't been able to figure out the problem until recently, well, today, actually.  I had a conversation with a student that offered me a very new perspective. 

It's not just criticism that I'm afraid of.  More than that- it's the lack of accolades.  You see, criticism is fairly easy to deal with- just develop a thick skin.  But there is something far more insidious that strikes truly talented and smart people- the praise.

From a very young age, I have been showered with compliments about my artistic and intellectual talents.  At first, I felt embarrassed by them, but then over time, I began to seek them out, more and more and more.  They were like a drug.  I could never have enough.  Until now- I've been working at my career for twenty years and I have, during this time, had episodes of extreme depression and feelings of worthlessness which I am beginning to see are usually triggered by a lack of praise). 

So I'm learning now that I have to see not only beyond the criticism, but also beyond the accolades.  What does this mean?  Well, it means I have to do things out of sheer love for doing them, not because I want to gain anything from them.  This is not actually as difficult as it sounds- it's actually much easier than constantly criticising myself for not meeting certain benchmarks I've placed or criticising others for accomplishing their goals faster than I have.  It takes away the need for praise so I can write this article and release it like a bird into the wild internet.   And it gives me strength to FINALLY finish my recordings and keep in touch with people on my mailing list.  Not only that, it gives me the courage to try new things to see if I like them.  It gives me permission to fail.  Love is a powerful thing, the most powerful thing.  And now that I have found and am finding what it is that I love, I don't feel so strong of a need to be accomplished.  :-)

I hope this blog post finds you well.

-micha

Emotions and How to Deal with Them

So, like I said, I had my first acting class yesterday.  Actually, it was just an audit, but I got to see some really incredible acting.

The thing I had not counted on, however, was the intensity of the scenes.  Somehow somewhere along the line I forgot that acting involves work with difficult situations and emotions.  Being an HSP (highly sensitive person), these scenes really bothered me and I ended up with a terrible headache that has lasted well into this evening.   So what should I do?  Not go to acting classes?  Not use the gifts I have?

Um... no.  The headache is caused not by the emotions themselves, but my unwillingness to acknowledge them.  I have very big emotions, and I've found that in life it has been better for me to hide them and bury them.  Ha- go figure that I would want to go into acting, where it's all about finding those hidden emotions and using them!  

I am in the process of dealing with this headache by crying and screaming and FEELING.  Feeling, for the first time in many years, with the full intensity God intended when I was designed.

It hurts.  It freaking hurts.  Right now it's just a blob of stuff inside of me- I can't name any of it- it's like a black and grey force inside of me that just FEELS.  

Weird, huh?

So, for today- self-nurturing artists must let themselves feel all the things they want to forget.

(by the way- I finished the song I mentioned yesterday and I am proud of it!)

Discomfort

So I am in week 4 of the Artist's Way, and one of the things Julia suggests this week is to give up reading.  READING!?  HOW COULD I GIVE UP READING!?  And indeed, my soul has thrown numerous tantrums these past few days as I have deprived her of injuring, numbing, distracting material.

Without books and facebook and how-to books giving me a sense of complacency, I have had to get up and get things done so I don't go crazy by just doing nothing.  I have painted my bookshelves, cleaned sections of my house, practiced jazz piano, practiced singing, and written a new song.

Ah- but wait.  I HAVEN'T written a new song.  One of the unbelievably unpleasant side effects of this media fast is that I am getting in touch with my soul and what she wants and needs to create.  This is not an easy task.  Yesterday, I began to write a new song, but the subject matter was so vile to me that I had to stop.  I couldn't go on.  I proceeded to judge and shame myself for having even thought of writing such an awful thing.  And I went into a pretty bad downward spiral last night.

You see, when I get in touch with my soul and then I invalidate her, terrible things happen.  I become cranky and moody and restless.  I become hateful towards myself, telling myself all kinds of mean things just to try to shut the Pandora's box I opened by trying to get in touch with my soul in the first place.  The sad thing is that I am the one who opened the box in the first place- why do I now want to shut it?

Art is not all beauty.  As a matter of fact, some of the best and most meaningful art is difficult to process.  It elicits extreme reactions, both from the artist and from the one who absorbs the art.  It can be ugly and wild and disgusting and gruesome and vile.  It can be uncomfortable.  The thing I'm trying so hard to learn right now is that in order to be an authentic and truly self-nurturing artist, I must be gentle and non-judgmental of the art I create.  I must allow myself to be a vessel- and most of all, I must allow myself to face the darker parts of me.

Art is created through honesty.

And this honesty is sometimes very uncomfortable.

And now I am off to audit my very first acting class since... well.... high school!  :-)

To honesty!

Pruning

I have come into a season of my life where it is becoming necessary to prune some blossoms from the tree of my life and artistry.  I don't think anything is harder than taking a thing of beauty that is slightly past its prime in order to make room for more beautiful things.  I want to hold on the beautiful thing it was, rather than come to terms with the fact that it is no longer life-giving and, in fact, is holding back the new growth that is waiting to burst forth.

According to RoseMagazine.com(http://www.rosemagazine.com/pages/pruning.asp), pruning redirects growth in the plant.  "Ah!" I thought.  "How appropriate!  I am definitely feeling a turn of direction due to the pruning I am currently undertaking."

My fear is that I am pruning too much, that all that will end up growing is weeds or other things that will choke my growth... I am fearful that I am cutting out profitable (but well past-their-prime) endeavors in order to pursue things that are not immediately going to make me money (but are much more fulfilling spiritually).

Strangely enough, I am feeling very calm and even excited despite these fears.  I think my soul knows that it has been time to let go for a long while now.  She seems glad that I am moving on.

So here's to pruning and becoming even more of a self-nurturing artist.

:-)

The Blocked Path

I don't deal well with rejection.  I know that I am probably in the worst profession in the world to be saying this, but it's true.  Even though I've developed a relatively tough inner layer, I'm still pretty thin-skinned, so you can imagine how I felt this morning when I woke up and saw that one of my million submissions had not been accepted by some A and R guy somewhere.

That was bad enough, but there was a condescending article that followed that I suppose would be great reading for someone who doesn't have 13 years of stage experience, but was completely useless to me.  It was all about 'connecting' with the audience.  Ughhhh.  This groan is twofold:  1. I know how to connect with an audience, and I often do. I have really great stage presence. 2. Sometimes I simply don't want to- and that is also part of my stage presence.  I intentionally don't connect.  I am standoffish and unavailable.  And I like that,sometimes, too.

The advantage of the internet is that there are numerous ways for artists to sell themselves.  The disadvantage is that there are numerous people waiting to make a buck or just a name by telling these artists just how they should sell themselves.

For me, art is first and foremost.  Audience is second.  It has to be.  If a true artist is creating with the intention of pleasing their target demographic, the art is going to be, at best, watered-down and, at worst, cheap.  These are heavy accusations to level at the musician community, I know- I'm not saying that every pop artist who really connects with an audience or who writes for a target demographic is watered-down or cheap.  There are a lot of artists out there who are brilliant at both making an audience feel at home and also writing music that speaks directly to their fans.

I, however, am not one of those people.  I am adept at getting the audience inside me, so if I am feeling uncomfortable or insecure, the audience is feeling it.  At the same time, they're also feeling the pain, the trauma, the elation, the quirkiness, the desperation, the drive, the peace, and the inner confidence of my music.  That's what makes me 'me' as an artist.  If I want to be another person other than myself on stage, then I will go and perform in plays (and I do!).  I am NOT an entertainer.  I am NOT a performer.  I am an artist.  And when a person comes to see me, they are coming to see me as an artist.

Because of my unwavering (and borderline selfish) devotion to art and self-expression, I am presented with many roadblocks.  I get people saying I should be more this or that, less that or this.  Most of this criticism comes from the internet, sometimes it comes from colleagues.

The thing is, if one is a self-nurturing artist, one has to take the good with the bad and know what to change and what to keep.  Sometimes things that seem bad or ineffective to others are not bad- they're just different.  I could list numerous examples here but I am concerned that I would be comparing myself to the greatest geniuses in music and I don't feel comfortable doing that (in public haha).

If you are an artist who is a little different, who doesn't particularly like dealing with a lot of people and who considers marketing to be scammy and who would rather die than entertain, then you're not alone.  You're different, yes, but you are special because you're different.  I guess this blog is for you.  Be yourself, even when you create roadblocks for yourself.  These roadblocks will eventually put you on a path that is more suited to you and your intensely personal artistic style.

I think... ask me in ten years.

The Path of Least Resistance

Today I had the glorious opportunity to watch the Emmys live on TV (well, part of them, anyway).  The writing, staging, and acting were top-notch, and I felt generally inspired.  I also had this nagging feeling that I could NEVER be as beautiful as the actresses who were at the awards show, and therefore I could never get hired.

I decided to fight this feeling by obsessively researching dance and acting classes and seeing which ones would be appropriate for my intermediate-level experience and fit with my schedule.  Well, first off, NONE of them are offered in the mornings.  Bummer.  So I decided that I would try to register for the evening classes.  DONE.  :-)

Well, almost.  I felt like the classes I would be registering for wouldn't quite be what I needed, so I proceeded to do a little more digging.  It was through this that I found out about a local playwright's association that holds open readings!  Cool beans!  This will give me the opportunity to network both as a writer AND as an actress!!!

Except... when I researched further, I found the playwright's association is now defunct and has been for a long time.

So what did I do?

I gave up and I wrote poetry.  And I was astounded at how easily the rhythm and rhyme and meter came to me... it was as natural as breathing.  Compared to my exercise in digging trenches by trying to better prepare myself as an actress, I felt like I was flying.  I then realized that, as much as I love acting and singing and dancing and writing music and performing, all of those are incredibly hard work for me.  Writing poetry, though... it's like waking up for breakfast and brewing coffee.