Discomfort

So I am in week 4 of the Artist's Way, and one of the things Julia suggests this week is to give up reading.  READING!?  HOW COULD I GIVE UP READING!?  And indeed, my soul has thrown numerous tantrums these past few days as I have deprived her of injuring, numbing, distracting material.

Without books and facebook and how-to books giving me a sense of complacency, I have had to get up and get things done so I don't go crazy by just doing nothing.  I have painted my bookshelves, cleaned sections of my house, practiced jazz piano, practiced singing, and written a new song.

Ah- but wait.  I HAVEN'T written a new song.  One of the unbelievably unpleasant side effects of this media fast is that I am getting in touch with my soul and what she wants and needs to create.  This is not an easy task.  Yesterday, I began to write a new song, but the subject matter was so vile to me that I had to stop.  I couldn't go on.  I proceeded to judge and shame myself for having even thought of writing such an awful thing.  And I went into a pretty bad downward spiral last night.

You see, when I get in touch with my soul and then I invalidate her, terrible things happen.  I become cranky and moody and restless.  I become hateful towards myself, telling myself all kinds of mean things just to try to shut the Pandora's box I opened by trying to get in touch with my soul in the first place.  The sad thing is that I am the one who opened the box in the first place- why do I now want to shut it?

Art is not all beauty.  As a matter of fact, some of the best and most meaningful art is difficult to process.  It elicits extreme reactions, both from the artist and from the one who absorbs the art.  It can be ugly and wild and disgusting and gruesome and vile.  It can be uncomfortable.  The thing I'm trying so hard to learn right now is that in order to be an authentic and truly self-nurturing artist, I must be gentle and non-judgmental of the art I create.  I must allow myself to be a vessel- and most of all, I must allow myself to face the darker parts of me.

Art is created through honesty.

And this honesty is sometimes very uncomfortable.

And now I am off to audit my very first acting class since... well.... high school!  :-)

To honesty!