Beyond the Critcism, then Beyond the Accolades

Wow- it  has been a long time since I've last written a post.

There are two reasons for this:
1. I haven't had much to say.
2. When I have had something to say, I have been fearful of judgement.

I feel lost and directionless most of the time, except recently.  As of late, I have been finding a more sure footing and I feel grounded.  Grounded while allowing myself to keep my head in the clouds. :-)

Still, though, I've been judging myself, and far too harshly.  I haven't allowed myself to release any new recordings because they're not 'good enough'.  I haven't written any new blog posts because I'm afraid of negative response, or worse, no response at all.  I haven't been playing any new shows because of the same things.  And one different thing.

I haven't been able to figure out the problem until recently, well, today, actually.  I had a conversation with a student that offered me a very new perspective. 

It's not just criticism that I'm afraid of.  More than that- it's the lack of accolades.  You see, criticism is fairly easy to deal with- just develop a thick skin.  But there is something far more insidious that strikes truly talented and smart people- the praise.

From a very young age, I have been showered with compliments about my artistic and intellectual talents.  At first, I felt embarrassed by them, but then over time, I began to seek them out, more and more and more.  They were like a drug.  I could never have enough.  Until now- I've been working at my career for twenty years and I have, during this time, had episodes of extreme depression and feelings of worthlessness which I am beginning to see are usually triggered by a lack of praise). 

So I'm learning now that I have to see not only beyond the criticism, but also beyond the accolades.  What does this mean?  Well, it means I have to do things out of sheer love for doing them, not because I want to gain anything from them.  This is not actually as difficult as it sounds- it's actually much easier than constantly criticising myself for not meeting certain benchmarks I've placed or criticising others for accomplishing their goals faster than I have.  It takes away the need for praise so I can write this article and release it like a bird into the wild internet.   And it gives me strength to FINALLY finish my recordings and keep in touch with people on my mailing list.  Not only that, it gives me the courage to try new things to see if I like them.  It gives me permission to fail.  Love is a powerful thing, the most powerful thing.  And now that I have found and am finding what it is that I love, I don't feel so strong of a need to be accomplished.  :-)

I hope this blog post finds you well.

-micha